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Victim to Victor

Published on: April 29,2019

Have you ever been the victim? Do you live as the victim? I dont. I have gone from the victim to the victor. Things happen in my life, but things dont happen to me, they just happen.

I felt like the victim over 40 years ago when my father passed away. This was a very traumatic experience for a 7 year old. I hope that no one ever has to go through losing a parent at such a young age. The experience caused me to question many things.

My belief in God disappeared for many years. I thought, “Why should I be the victim and others are not?”, “Why is this happening to me?”, “What did I do to deserve this?”. Of course I did noting to deserve this, things just happen.

After I got into my 20s I realized that not having my father caused me to do quite a few things on my own. I found myself asking why things could or could not be done a certain way. I did things the way that I wanted to and not how everyone said that they had to be done.

Somehow I managed to pay for my cars, insurance, food, and even college on my own. Didnt everyone pay for their own insurance?? Didnt everyone pay for their own college?? I started to see in my life that I was different because I did things on my own. I had gone from victim to victor.

Things could be paid for OR you could do them yourself and save a whole bunch of money.

Yes I am the Frugal Real Estate Guy, but I think it is important to see why. I got married right after college and had a son shortly after. We did not have a bunch of money, but we, like most everyone, loved to do all the things that people like to do. Things like go on vacation, eat out at restaurants and have nicer cars.

I guess what I am saying is that since I could not afford the bad habits, we kept going out to restaurants as a special occasion kind of thing instead of an everyday thing. We bought a newer car, but after careful research, asking around and getting a great deal.

While I was married the first time, the kids did not have the newest playstation, or Xbox. They had games, books, we went to the library, they had headphones, etc., but they did not get everything that they wanted. I used to explain that it would be nice to have THAT item, but there was only so much money and THAT item was not really a neccesity.

Talk about difficult. I wanted to buy the kids every toy that they wanted, but reality says, it is just not possible. Sometimes it was heart breaking to see that they wanted something that was just not in the budget.

The mindset of “Do we NEED this or do we WANT this?” formed over time. When I would think about purchasing something on my limited funds it was sometimes a challenge. Sometimes you really want things that you dont need.

I have had family members call me cheap, tight, agarado (Stingy in Spanish). That is the way they saw it, but they did not make the same amount of money that I did. They were not in my shoes. Plus I had and still have a bigger plan for my life, my kids’ life and for my great, great grandchildren’s life.

Because of money being in somewhat short supply early on, I wanted to teach my kids and family to be able to get along with out me if what happened to my father, happened to me. I wanted the kids to grow up to not be big spenders, especially if they did not have the money. They should be able to cook at home and not have to go out to eat all the time. You really get used to eating at home.

Not only that, but I wanted my family to be independent with a small income or a large one. Growing up, my parents would say that they wanted us to grow up and most important for us was to be happy. BE HAPPY.

Victims are not happy. How can you be a victim and be happy?

It took me getting divorced, fired and in general being at a low point in my life to really stop being a victim. I needed to get up, stop feeling sorry for myself and do what I needed to do in my life for ME.

I was not looking for a job, but a way of life that would allow me to be happy. At this point I knew that I could not let anyone have control over my financial situation ever again.

That was when I started in real estate investing for myself. When you do for yourself, you can not be a victim because everything is dependent on you. You must go from victim to victor.

If sales are slow, it is because you have not done enough marketing. It is not the economy or interest rates. When you cant get a deal sold it is because you bought at the wrong price or you are asking too much.

I guess you can say that it is an accountability thing. I feel that I have to take charge of my life in every way so that I am not asking anyone to bail me out of a situation.

It is because I feel this way that I have taught my children to be self sufficient also. Believe me that I am there to help anyone whether it be family or friends when they need help, but I dont want to be the one who is always asking for help.

That does sound kind of strong and harsh. I will ask friends or family to help me with a little project or share something on facebook(like this blog post). But I am not asking anyone to pay my electric bill because I spent too much money on going out to Fiesta all week. I dont ever want to say that I dont have any money to do anything that I need to do OR want to do.

I keep track of most everything that I do whether it be eating, sleeping, spending, investments, miles on the bike this week and many other things. This way, I know well ahead of time that we can take a nice Germany vacation or we can afford to spend $100 on dinner. By keeping track, you will never hear me say, “I dont have any money right now”.

If you hear me say something similar it really should be something like, “I dont want to spend money on THAT”, or “It just does not interest me enough to spend money on that”.

There is a saying about giving a fish and the person is fed for the day and teaching the person to fish for themselves. I have tried to teach my kids to fish for themselves and I know they will be better for it. I was always afraid that they would have to fish for themselves because I might not be there for them. Fortunately I am still here.

The great thing is that now I do not have to give them MY fish anymore. They fish on their own and own it. While my kids know that I am there for them in any way, they have taken it on their own to live THEIR life and not theirs with MY influence.

I have realized recently that things dont happen to my kids. Things happen, but not TO them. They have grown up NOT to be victims. Things happen for sure. But they are able to cope with situations and deal with them as just a part of life. Everything seems to be just matter of fact.

Last summer, my younger son said that his brakes were squeeking and that he needed new brakes. Before I could say anything he told me that he had purchased a set of brakes from AutoZone and he had watched a few You Tube videos on changing brakes. He wanted me to just be there to make sure that nothing went wrong. He had never done this before.

He of course started the conversation with something like, “Hey Dad, do you change your own brakes?” I told him that I have changed many brakes in my lifetime. I was kinda surprised that he had done most of the work and just wanted me there for moral support.

Most kids these days will whine and complain that they have to go take the car in to the dealer and dont even want to make the appointment themselves. They will ask the parents to call for them, pay for it, and some will even want to borrow their car while it is in the shop.

He did tell me that he had checked with a couple of repair places and that it was going to cost about $250 to change the brakes. Plus they told him a bunch of other things that should be done which were going to cost a whole bunch more. None of the other things were needed.

Son #2 thought, like his father, I can pay $250 to get the brakes done(because he makes his own money and would not ask me) or I could buy some brakes at AutoZone for $60 and do it myself. He even told me, “How hard can it be?”

The brake job went fine. When finished I saw a look of victory in his face. He did not go from victim to victor, he was always the victor. I almost started to cry. I was so proud that my son was able to fix his brakes, but more so that he was able to pretty much take care of everything on his own.

Honestly, I think he just wanted me to know that he was capable of doing things on his own. I did let him know how  proud I was of him. He calls sometimes just to ask what I think or what I would do. My heart just melts when that happens.

I just hope that I can convey to you that it is important to go from victim to victor in your life so that your children will follow in your footsteps. Teach them that they can do ANYTHING.

The examples that we set for our children is SO POWERFUL. They see us taking care of problems or issues in life with ease and they know that they can do so as well. When we struggle with relationships, money, etc. they develop the victim mentality. Show them that you too can go from victim to victor so that they will learn to take care of themselves and leave you alone in your retirement.